theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
