Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I forgot wine drunk hurts
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
