I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize