Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
