That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Randomize
