Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
