Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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