Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
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