Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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