She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
