shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
