I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
