guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
