My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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