I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
