if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize