i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
