LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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