and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
