the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
