I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
