So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
