I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize