so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
