Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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