At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
