you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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