I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize