guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I cockslap morals
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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