the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
