Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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