he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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