She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
