Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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