It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
God, you're like boner-b-gone
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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