Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
cat food counts as protein by the way
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
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