I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
