I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
