My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
