There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
