we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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