see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
