the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You need Xanax blowdarts
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
