I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Randomize
