update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
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