I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
