Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
