I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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