is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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