3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
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