Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
