Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
