How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
