mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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