tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
We named our party play list daddy issues
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize