isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
