my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm getting married
To pizza
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
