Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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